


Buck Restarts

by peacelight



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Jealousy, Leaving Home, M/M, Miscommunication, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:29:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23849731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacelight/pseuds/peacelight
Summary: Evan Buckley struggles with his love for his best-friend, and his deep need to find a family, he becomes convinced that Eddie thinks he isn't  relationship material.Eddie Diaz is struggling to find the strength to admit his love for his best-friend, afraid Buck will realize that he can do better. All the while unaware that Buck is not only struggling with his place in Eddie's life, but his place at the one-eighteen and his unhealthy attachment to his job.A story where Buck tries to find self-worth and Eddie tries to figure out how to take a risk with his heart.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 331





	Buck Restarts

**Author's Note:**

> Just being upfront I hate the disregard of a therapist sleeping with Buck when he came to her with issues about sex. It was beyond a breach in ethics, and I hate how it was brushed off. 
> 
> I am also not a fan of how the lawsuit arc both happened and was treated. #TeamBuck 
> 
> Buck's relationship with the one-eighteen is bordering on super unhealthy. I think families can easily love each other, but not be the best or healthiest head spaces. Just keep that in mind as you read! 
> 
> But I hope you enjoy my interpretation <3

The station hadn’t changed much. Buck didn’t need much time to adjust to being back at work after the lawsuit. After fighting so hard to be back he wanted to make the best of it. He had missed it so much, the sounds, the smells, the moment of adrenaline he felt when he heard that alarm; the purpose it gave him. He went above and beyond every task, determined to make everyone proud. As always, he knew no one would ever cut him slack. But Buck was willing to prove himself, no matter what. 

Just as he worked to be back to top form as a firefighter, he worked on his personal relationships, hoping to get back into everyone’s good graces again. Saving Christmas was just one example. But Buck liked making people happy, nothing made him happier. 

The one relationship he worked hardest to repair was Eddie and Christopher.

Buck _yearned_ for them. He hated the word yearn, it felt sad in a way - pathetic even, but he realized there was nothing more accurate. The way he loved Christopher, he had always wanted a family, there was nothing more sacred to him. Now he knew which family he wanted. 

But he didn’t think Eddie wanted him in that way. Of course, he cared but... attraction and love were two very different things. Buck had learned that lesson already. 

Buck had started to be flirtier, he figured he had almost died and lost them enough times - time was not guaranteed.

After everything they had been through it was time to make it obvious to Eddie that he was interested not just in friendship, but he was interested in him.

Buck knew that they could have a great life. He just had to get Eddie to give him a chance. 

Flirting was second nature to Buck. Ever since he hit puberty, he realized he was good at it. The subtle touches, the looks, he was sure that he would be able to get Eddie to see that he was interested in him. Then he’d tell him how much he loved him. Ya know, step by step. 

Buck did everything he could to get Eddie to see that he was interested. He took him out to a baseball game, asked him out for drinks, nothing serious, didn't want to scare Eddie off, but things that could easily be romantic. Eddie might flirt a little, but then he’d revert back to treating Buck like a platonic friend.

Maybe he needed to consider being bold. 

Buck had it, he was going to cook for him. It worked on everyone. Maddie agreed cooking for a guy was a serious gesture. Now of course he had cooked for Christopher and Eddie before but this time he’d cook just for Eddie. 

Being in Eddie’s home was natural, Buck loved it. He could see himself being so happy there. He knew Christopher was going to be having dinner with his Abuela, so tonight he’d make Eddie a nice steak. Eddie would see that he was interested in him, and then Buck would know. At this point Buck was worried that Eddie had realized he was interested, he flirted back, he was attracted to him, it was so clear to Buck. But that wasn't enough for Buck. He was worried he wasn’t enough for Eddie. Eddie was clearly not looking for just sex, did he not think Buck was relationship material? It was a deep worry of his. Everyone at the one-eighteen didn't think he was serious, maybe Eddie didn’t think he was relationship material either. He had heard enough horror stories, maybe he didn’t think…

Fuck.

Days like this hurt Buck, it reminded him that he wasn’t enough so many times in his life. He hoped he was enough for Eddie. He would work so hard to make him happy if he’d just let him.

The sizzle of the steak distracted Buck, he went back to preparing dinner, he set out plates, and tossed a salad as the steak cooked. He knew exactly how Eddie liked it. 

Buck debated whether he should light some candles. That would set the mood. Music? Was that better, fuck, Buck debated with himself. He rushed and pulled some candles out and lit them, and then went to the speaker and played some jazz, that was in between right, not too romantic, but still nice right? Shit the steak. God, Buck ran over and pulled out the steak, it was done, it looked halfway decent. Thank god he didn't let it burn. Where was Eddie? He should have been home by now. 

He pulled out his phone, and texted Eddie. 

**What is your ETA? Steaks ready?**

Despite the fact Christopher wasn’t here, he and Eddie had dinner every Thursday, it was movie night. Did Eddie think that without Christopher, tonight wasn’t going to happen? 

_Bzzz_

Eddie Diaz: 

**Just with Anna we got coffee, be there in 15**

He was on a coffee date, with Christopher’s teacher no less. Of course, of course he was on a date. No wonder he never responded to his flirting, he was dating someone. This was a fucking mistake. 

Okay he had 15 minutes, he needed to blow out the candles. Okay turn off the music. Don’t cry. He could do this. 

“Fuck” Buck breathed out softly. He couldn’t do this. Putting himself out there with his best friend was hard enough but god, rejection. The only word he had was fuck. 

No that’s what he needed to do. Waiting around for Eddie was hurting too much. Clearly, he was not interested. Of course, he wasn’t. What was Buck even playing at? 

He was just a fuck up. 

He couldn’t face Eddie not right now. 

Buck texted Maddie. 

**Are you alone atm? Chimney with you?**

For once please be alone he needed an alibi. 

_Bzzz_

Maddie Buckley: 

**No, just got back from the store Chims with his brother.**

Perfect Buck, thought, being siblings meant she’d have to cover for him no questions asked. She wouldn't tell anyone at the station he lied. 

**If anyone asks I came over because you weren’t feeling well tonight, cover for me.**

Buck put the steak on a plate and put it back into the oven. Covered up the salad, and left it on the table, there was beer in the fridge, Eddie could enjoy the fruits of his labour. Hell he could bring, Anna with him. That’s what friends did for each other, they helped them with their relationships. He didn't want Eddie to realize just how pathetic he was. 

**Sorry to bail Eddie**  
**Maddie needs me**  
**Bring Anna there is steak**  
**Romance guaranteed**

He turned off the lights, and grabbed his jacket, he had to get out of there. Right before he got into his jeep he checked his phone:

Maddie Buckley:

**Sure thing, need to talk?**

Eddie Diaz: 

**I hope she's okay, let me know if you need anything**  
**Thanks man, you are the best!**

Eddie had no idea that he was breaking his heart. That was the worst part. He needed to get a drink like now. He had just cooked dinner for his crush, and date. Crush didn’t even sound like the right word to him, he was so in love with Eddie, and now he was firmly friend zoned. 

Buck parked his jeep outside of a bar he used to frequent when everyone had dubbed him Buck 1.0. He knew he was a fuck up then, but at least Buck 1.0 didn’t sleep alone. He didn’t want to sleep alone. 

Deep breath. 

In   
Out   
In   
Out 

Buck walked into the bar, and looked around, Thursdays were still packed. It was full of people drinking and dancing, they were having fun. What did that feel like again? Buck did miss some things from his Buck 1.0 days. Like dancing, he was so good at that. 

Buck walked up to the bar and ordered a double gin and tonic. Gin was a quick way to bury the pain. A couple minutes later, he made eye contact with a cute girl, she was with her friends, but she was pretty. Her eyes reminded him slightly of Eddie. Buck downed his drink and walked over to her and asked her dance. 

Walking onto the dance floor was wonderful, the way that bodies moved against each other, the connection. It was exactly what he needed. Buck danced for an hour, and then another hour, with men and women, who ever asked. He drank more. Switching to tequila, he was going to regret that in the morning. But that was tomorrow Buck’s problem. 

As the night wound down, Buck saw him. He was tall, taller than him, and he didn’t remind him in any way of Eddie. Different hair, body, eye colour. All night things kept reminding of Eddie, he didn’t want any reminders. 

Buck took him home. He didn’t even ask him his name. But it was okay, he didn’t ask him either. They both knew what this was. This wasn’t going to break Buck’s heart. 

***

Dealing with a one-night stand had not gotten easier. The awkward pause when you both are sober. The rush to use the bathroom, and leave. Trying to decide if numbers and names should be exchanged. Buck had made it clear that it was just a one-time thing clearly, he had made a mistake. He was supposed to be reformed sex addict for crying out loud. 

Shit shit _shit_. 

What now? _Mmmhh_ Buck didn’t know what to do. He walked around his apartment cleaning up the evidence of last night, washing the sheets, and putting the pillows back on his sofa. He had enjoyed last night, but now he just felt empty. And hungover, crap. He hated this feeling, he really did. But if he was being honest he had been hurting for a long time. Each day had felt so hard. Being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way back is hard. But how could he blame Eddie? He deserved the best. 

Everyone else was in therapy. Maybe he should give it a try again. But not the department one. He didn’t want to give them any excuse to get rid of him. 

Carla knew good people, he’d send her a message. 

After cleaning, and eating a power bar, Buck collapsed on his couch. He looked at his phone.

Maddie Buckley: 

**Still haven't heard from you, are you alright?**

Eddie Diaz: 

**The steak was amazing Buck**  
**Candles and music helped too**  
**I owe you one man**

Great he wasn’t the only one who got laid. Fucking hell he was pathetic. He had just helped get his crush laid. Buck was sure he was the definition of needing therapy. 

*** 

Buck was amazed how fast Carla was able to set up an appointment for him. She had connections. 

Walking into the therapist's office, he wondered how this would go. 

Jacob Rollins. That sounded like a trusting name. Hopefully, he would be very straight. 

“How are you today Buck? Jacob asked. 

“I am good.” Buck half smiled. 

“That’s good.” Jacob returned the smile. “What brought you to therapy?” 

“Well...um…” Buck didn’t know where to start. “Look therapy was mostly because I went out and slept with some random guy, and I haven’t done that since Buck 1.0 days, but that’s just because I am now stupidly in love with my best friend and he doesn't love me.” 

“Well, I can see that you are overwhelmed.” Jacob started jotting things down. “Would you like to tell me why you referred to yourself as Buck 1.0?” 

“I was basically a sex addict. I just went around sleeping with people all of the time.” Buck looked down. “I mean for Christ sake I slept with my last therapist, she ended up losing her job as the department's therapist. I am a firefighter by the way.” 

Buck made eye contact, and he saw Jacob look slightly angry. Damn, two minutes in and he had already fucked up his relationship with the new therapist. 

“She absolutely should have lost her job, Buck, it was in no way your fault.” Jacob said it without any hesitation. Buck was confused. 

“I mean I shouldn’t have hooked up with her in the first place.” When Bobby so casually mentioned she left, he had a sick feeling he had messed up her life. 

“No she was in the wrong, as your therapist she took advantage of the situation.” Jacob stated again. “The first step Buck is we need to establish what is crossing a boundary line. And I can assure you any decent ethical moral therapist should never have crossed that line, especially with someone who was expressing concerns with sex. It is beyond a breach of ethics.”

Buck was surprised at his passion, but then again he probably didn’t like someone giving therapists a bad name. 

“I mean, I guess I never thought about it like that.” Buck stated. There was something off about the fact he had never thought about her being wrong too. But sleeping with patients did seem wrong. 

“Have you ever told anyone?” Jacob asked. 

“I mean I told my team, and they all agreed that I shouldn’t have slept with my therapist.” Buck said. “And I guess Bobby, the captain must have complained, I just found out she doesn’t work for the department anymore.” 

“I am sorry that your team wasn’t as supportive as you deserved in that situation.” Jacob was writing that down too. 

Buck had never thought they weren’t supportive. Why should they have said anything? He was sleeping around a lot then. 

“I mean I was sleeping around a lot, like I might have sort of, taken a fire truck to have sex.” Not his finest hour. 

“Opening up to a therapist being vulnerable is a brave thing, and no one deserves to have that trust violated, no one should be taken advantage of.” 

“I guess I had never thought about it that way.”

Jacob smiled softly at Buck. “Well consider thinking about it that way, that can be your homework of sorts for today.” 

“Now, too the sex addict part of your opening statement.” 

Buck sighed. 

“Since the therapist in question was clearly not qualified, would you please tell me why you think you are a sex addict?” 

Buck titled his head to the side, “well I mean technically, I self diagnosed, and sleeping with the therapist was a nail in the coffin, you know.” 

“You are a healthy, attractive young male, most men don’t come to the conclusion that they are sex addicts, what made you think you were?” Buck knew that too, but also he knew he was out of control then. 

“Well I guess, I kept sleeping around, and it was like I just couldn’t help myself...more than that I didn’t want to be alone.” 

Buck hated being alone, he was not good at that. 

“Did you lie to your partners?” 

“OF course not!” Buck was not that kind of person. “I mean to be honest, I never really had to try, if I wanted sex it was pretty easy to find someone willing...” 

Jacob laughed. “Not surprising.”

Buck felt like blushing. He was aware of the effect he had on people. Most people. Frowning he thought clearly not Eddie. 

“Where did your mind go just then?” 

“Well, see I have never had to try, except when it comes to Eddie, I tried and I tried. And I don’t know... nothing.” 

“Nothing?” Jacob said. “Are you sure he is attracted to men?” 

Buck chuckled at that, it was a nice boost to his ego, which was sorely bruised. “Yah, I mean to be honest he has the right...I dunno...physical reactions, like he’s for sure checked me out, and I mean we are best friends. Like he doesn’t normally lean towards men, but he told me that he has been attracted to them...so yah.” 

“Have you told him how you felt?” 

Buck took in a deep breath. “I mean I’ve told him how much he and his son Christopher mean to me, I have done everything I can to show that I will never let them down again. And then you know I flirted, made some suggestions... and then like three nights ago, I cooked this whole dinner for the two of us, and then I find out that Eddie is on a date, I couldn’t even face him, but of course I tell him to bring her over, and he ends up getting laid thanks to my hard work. Like come on, how unfair is the universe.” 

“What did you do after this?” 

“I mean I went out, and I hooked up, and I guess then I came here.” Buck groaned. “I just don’t want to become Buck 1.0 the fuck up the guy who can’t keep it in his pants, the guy that isn’t even close to good enough.” 

“Interesting." Jacob nodded. “I do want to explore the earlier statement of the fire truck incident. But to clarify some things, when you are a sex addict it’s a compulsion. And stopping cold turkey is very hard, but that doesn’t mean using sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism isn’t a problem. So we will work to distinguish what you were struggling with.” 

Buck nodded, he liked how sure Jacob sounded, he felt trustworthy. 

“Why do you keep saying Buck 1.0?” 

Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “It was stealing the fire truck, and sleeping with the therapist, and whole lot of people, and to be honest being pretty reckless I just I was pretty immature compared to now, so everyone at the station kind of started sayin the Buck 1.0 days, and I guess it sort of stuck.” 

“Well I think first off, there is no such thing as Buck 1.0” the firmness in Jacob's voice surprised Buck. “It is normal for young people to be sexually active in their twenties, but the fact is not many people self reflect in that stage, you have been working on yourself, and that shows you have always had character, you choose a profession that requires great self sacrifice, another marker of character. I think you have always been a worthy person, but perhaps you have struggled to see that in yourself, and then not lived up to your own ideals.” 

Buck wished he deserved that. 

“Honestly, I keep fucking up though.” Buck stopped. “Can I say fuck in therapy, like is swearing allowed.” 

Jacob laughed. “I am more confident you are a good person, and yes you can use whatever language you need to express yourself.” 

“I made a big mess of everything, and I think the reason that Eddie doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. And I can’t even blame him. I messed it all up.” That gut punch associated with the lawsuit made Buck want to curl up into a bawl.

“What are you referring to?” 

“I kind of… sued the city... I couldn’t be a firefighter anymore and I thought at the time it was unfair, so I sued the city.” 

“And you lost?” 

“No I won but I dropped the lawsuit because well, I just wanted to be a firefighter, I didn’t want the money, but the lawyer got ugly, and basically I couldn’t see Eddie, and he felt abandoned, and so did Christopher his son who I love too, and Eddie was going through this horrible time, and I wasn’t even there for him.” 

“I am confused, if you won the lawsuit, why do you think you were in the wrong?” Jacob was writing really fast now. 

“It ripped the station apart, it was dirty, and it was wrong.” Buck was firm in this stance, he could see the confusion in Jacobs face. 

“Look I don’t really want to talk more about this lawsuit, it's done, just the important part is it destroyed relationships, and I am trying to make them better.” 

Jacob nodded, he made a note to return to the lawsuit, clearly it was important. 

“Okay I think we need to return to a fundamental question, what is it exactly that you want out of therapy? We can start there?” 

Buck thought for a moment. What did he want? Eddie to love him, the team to respect him, neither seemed likely anymore. 

“I guess I want to not hurt anymore, I want everyone at work to trust me again, I want Eddie to love me, and if I can’t have that I want to be in his life without feeling like my chest is going to explode.” 

Jacob smiled at him. “These are all important things. I will do the best that I can to help you.” 

Buck nodded along, and smiled back, it was nice to have someone in his corner. 

“This is a tough question, do you think Eddie loves you?” 

Buck avoided eye contact. “Honestly, no.” 

“Why not?” 

“If I had been anymore obvious...let’s just say he said he wanted a serious relationship, and he clearly doesn’t think I am serious relationship material.” Buck sighed. “I flirted, I hinted, I told him how much he mattered, he’s responded platonically to everything. I just...I don’t think I can do it anymore.” 

“Unfortunately the only thing that can truly heal a broken heart is time.” Jacob smiled in sympathy. 

“I was afraid of that.” Buck hated that expression. After Abby that’s what everyone said, instead that just felt like a separate wound, and now he had another Eddie shaped one. 

“But moving on is healthy, perhaps not sleeping around per say, but talking to new people, going out. It is a good way to see that even though you might not be able to be the one you love right now, it doesn’t mean you can’t love someone again.” 

Buck thought about it, and of course he knew that, after Abby he wasn’t sure he’d ever fall for someone again, but then Eddie and Christopher came into his life. 

“May I ask what you do outside of work?” 

“I hang out with my sister, with Eddie and Christopher, usually the team has a get together of some kind at someone's home.” 

“I mean nothing related to work or family, your social life?” 

“I mean there isn’t a lot of time for things like that, you know a firefighters schedule is busy, and we always have down time together.” Did that sound as lame as Buck thought it did. 

“I think it would be a good idea if you started to expand your circle, just as a start. It would help create some healthy distance between you and Eddie, just until it doesn’t hurt so much. I can tell you are a big part of each other's lives, and you can still be there, but it’s okay to give yourself some time.” 

Buck’s heart clenched at the thought of abandoning Christopher again. “I can’t not be with Christopher. I made him a promise that I would never leave him again.” 

“And I am not saying that you need to abandon anyone. Buck you also need to be happy yourself, spend time with Christopher, perhaps not with Eddie as well. But find a hobby, or activity that is yours and no one else's. Socialize, enjoy yourself, you can’t punish yourself all of the time, you will break.” 

*** 

New activities Buck could do that. What the hell should he even do? How did an adult make friends outside of work? 

Google. 

**Activities for singles in LA**

Oh that was not the right search, fucking LA. Why was everything the plot of a porno? 

_Bzzzz_

Eddie Diaz: 

**Hey man me u and Christopher + pizza? 20 minutes?**

Was he really that available? Buck hadn’t realized he was basically on call for Eddie. He didn't even ask if he was free. Damn he spent his entire day waiting for Eddie to text him. Maybe he really didn’t have a life. If Buck was being honest the idea of getting some time away from Eddie, gave him some relief, he just couldn’t face the rejection any longer. 

**I would love to but I can’t today. See you at work.**

Buck knew that he wanted that family more than anything, and that was just too sad. 

**Adult activities in LA**

What the hell was he supposed to search that didn’t result in the top result being star in a porno, or amateur porn? 

**Leisure activities in LA**

Okay better.

Well yoga was clearly an option, maybe he should go to a gym outside of the station, or take a class. He had fun at that pottery class that Abby had taken him too, and loads of people had talked to him there. 

Buck made a list of things to check out, and before he had realized he had basically scheduled a whole week of activities outside of the one-eighteen. 

He still would see Christopher because of his drop off/pick up schedule. And he would make sure to take him out for ice cream after one of the pick up days. 

Yes this was a start. 

Buck sighed, he still needed ice cream. Why the hell did Eddie have to be so damn beautiful, inside and out. The idea of sunset yoga was nowhere near enough to get Eddie out of his mind. 

***  
The more time at therapy Buck spent, the more he was told that he was unnecessarily hard on himself. The whole reason he had filed the lawsuit was he felt he was being treated unfairly. Yes, he was rash. Jacob was big on self responsibility. But he was also a big fan of not taking sole blame. He was quick to point out that everyone else had made mistakes and the lawyer hadn’t lied once. That was something that Buck struggled with. Even now, he did notice that when Eddie had arrived he got away with a lot. He wasn't the only one who was reckless or acted because of emotions. 

He had felt abandoned by the whole team. Jacob pointed out that perhaps his need for his team was bordering on unhealthy. After all he should have had a life outside of his work. Buck had realized he had built his entire identity on being a firefighter. He never thought he was worth much outside of that. Slowly, but surely Buck was walking up to the fact he was more. 

Buck had always been good with people, but before LA he had never stuck around long enough to make friends for long. The cool thing about all the activities was that suddenly he was making regular friends. 

The yoga classes were really relaxing and the entire class was big on going to live concerts, he was seeing a whole new side of LA, one he hadn’t taken advantage of enough. 

Buck had started surfing and despite the clicheness of it all, surfer dudes were actually super nice. Hanging out after a surfer lesson on the beach with a beer was beyond relaxing. 

Pottery was just as fun, he had a real knack for it. Wine and cheese nights made him feel all grown up. He really loved it. 

Buck was thinking of joining a book club next, Sherry from Yoga was in one that was all about reading something super different every month, and that seemed cool. They went to a different independent coffee shop every month too, and that sounded fun. 

Jacob was right, having a life outside of the one-eighteen, and honestly away from Eddie helped. 

Buck discovered something else that he was trying to work through in therapy. Being at the one-eighteen was amazing, but he hadn’t been able to stop feeling like he was walking on eggshells, he would always be Buck 1.0 Buck the lawsuit guy, and as much as he tried, no matter what he did he always felt like he could instantly go back to being a pariah. Being with non-firefighters, people who just saw him as Buck, he felt relaxed. 

Buck had no idea what to do with that revelation. 

Next on his self preservation tour was to start dating again. That was still something that scared Buck. 

Even though he had been trying to keep his distance from Eddie, he was still super involved in Christopher’s life that meant being around Eddie. Even though he and Eddie hadn’t been alone in nearly a month and a half, Buck still ached. 

*** 

Eddie was sitting in the station, looking at Buck, it seemed like now he was always more interested in his phone than what was happening in the station. 

At first Eddie hadn’t realized anything different, people get busy, and Buck was an amazing person, of course he had other things going on. But gradually he noticed that Buck was disappearing from his life, and the more Eddie tried to hold on the further he got away. 

Buck had promised him he wasn’t going anywhere, and yet here he was sitting next to him a million miles away. 

Sure, he came to dinner, but somehow he always charmed Carla into staying. Or he’d say ‘lets spend the afternoon together’, and of course it would be in a crowded public place. Before, even surrounded by people Eddie always felt like he was the only one with Buck, he had had a way about himself, but now...Eddie couldn’t place it. 

It wasn’t just him, Buck just started to say no to more and more team activities. It was so casual that no one noticed at first. Buck would say something like I have drinks with a friend. Or meeting some people for coffee. Nothing odd about that. 

But a couple days ago he said no to Athena and Bobby’s cause he had pottery class. Hen was sure he was joking but Buck just laughed and pulled out his phone and showed a picture of him surrounded by an eclectic group of people holding various levels of skilled vases. Eddie hadn’t even known Buck was interested in pottery. 

Eddie felt this was different from the lawsuit, back then he was angry at Buck for disappearing, now he just ached, it was like Buck was drifting away. 

Eddie had a terrible feeling that it was because Buck had realized that he had a crush on him. God he was so damn stupid. Of course Buck was just flirting with him because he flirted with everyone. When you looked like that, flirting was just second nature. Eddie had seen Buck charm everyone, everyone from a little girl, to a professional MMA fighter. The man didn’t even realize the effect he had on people. 

Eddie had done his best to be careful because of course Christopher loved him. Every time Eddie saw them together, he wanted more than anything to be able to claim them both, to proudly say that Buck was with him and that they were a family. Eddie started to respond to Bucks flirting, he knew he wasn’t as fun or without baggage, but god he wanted Buck to give him a chance, he would do everything he could to make him happy. Just as Eddie had finally decided that enough was enough and he was going to ask Buck if he had any interest in giving it a shot with him, Buck had gone and disappeared. 

Hell he had basically left a setup for seduction with Christopher’s teacher. Eddie couldn’t believe how easily Buck had pushed him at her. He wasn't even interested, but when Eddie had come home, after dropping Anna off, he had seen what Buck had left him with candles, smooth jazz and even side dishes...god Buck must have thought he was so helpless. He couldn’t let him know how pathetic he really was.

Ever since then Buck just wasn’t around, sure he was there but his charming self was gone. He wasn’t the only one to notice. Hen, Bobby and Chimney had begun to wonder. There was something different. But what could they say, the weirdest part was Buck was happy. 

“Hey Cap, I think the team needs a group hang out, today has been a rough day.” Eddie knew he was a coward, he should have just asked Buck point blank to be with him tonight, he didn’t really need anyone else but he figured Bobby had a better chance at getting him to come out. 

“I think that's perfect.”

Bobby turned to the group and announced “Mandatory drinks at Porters tonight, post shift.” Bobby said it with such finality, the funny thing is before he would never have used the word mandatory. It registered with everyone but Buck, who was oblivious in his own world. 

“Excited Buck?” Eddie asked. 

“I mean drinks sound nice, I was planning on checking out this theater that shows old school horror films tonight with some people, but I can reschedule.” Buck smiled at him, but it didn’t reach his eyes the same way. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie whispered, angling his body, shutting the rest of the station out. 

“Yah, just kind of... never mind.” Buck brushed off. Eddie couldn’t stand it, before Buck wouldn’t hesitate to confide in him. 

“No Buck if it bothers you, it bothers me.” Eddie wanted nothing more than to be in Buck’s life. 

“Nothing.” Eddie reached out to touch Buck’s arm in reassurance. 

“I am just tired.” Buck turned away, Eddie felt his arm just brushed away. 

“But don’t worry, I know I’ll get my second wind.” Buck smiled the same way he had when they started talking, it didn’t reach his eyes. Eddie didn’t know how to reassure him at that moment. But he would figure out a way to fix this.

Eddie went over to Chim and Hen. 

“Guys do you think Buck is avoiding... us?” He didn’t want to let on the fact that he was upset that Buck spent less time with. 

“I think someone is being over dramatic, he probably just started dating again.” Chim laughed off. 

“Dating” Eddie couldn't help but feel disgusted by that word.

"Maddie has been pushing him to date for a while, and she let it slip that he has been out on a few dates in the last little bit."

“Anytime Buck spends less time at the station, it usually means he has a new relationship.” Hen agreed. 

“Don’t worry Eds, I am sure you're still his favourite firefighter.” Chim teased. 

But Eddie had zoned out, no if Buck was seeing someone he would tell him. They had….they had something.  
  
That night Eddie was determined to get Buck alone. 

The place was packed, a lot of first responders hung around the bar, it was kind of their place. Eddie was surprised to see how popular Buck was, normally when they came Buck would just join them at the table. 

But tonight, he walked in and immediately got engulfed with people. 

“Someone’s popular tonight.” Eddie mumbled. 

Chim nodded, nursing his beer. “Like the good ol’ days.” 

“What do you mean?” Eddie was trying his best to keep his face neutral; he didn’t want to sound like a teenager with a crush. 

Even though there was nothing more accurate than that.

“Oh, back before you joined the one-eighteen, normally when we came here Buck would work the crowd.” Chim looked at Eddie, and Eddie hated that knowing gaze. 

“What stopped him?” 

Chim laughed. “I guess he started to like our company more.” The way he said, Eddie wanted to believe it had something to do with him, but clearly whatever it was, wasn’t enough for him anymore. 

Eddie shouldn’t have been surprised how was he meant to keep the attention of someone as alive and carefree as Buck. The people he loved eventually realized he wasn’t enough. 

Buck was the center of the crowd. 

An hour passed, and Buck never came back to their table. Bobby and Athena had already ducked out, but they had kids. Hen was getting close to finishing her drink and Eddie knew she’d leave too. 

If he wanted to not be so clearly desperate, he needed to talk to Buck now. 

As he approached the group, it was full of guys from the one-sixty-seven. They were all laughing at something Buck said. 

“So, man for real, you never thought about leaving the one-eighteen?” Roger Jackson asked. Eddie had always liked him, until that question. 

“No of course not there my team.” Buck’s answer warmed Eddie’s heart, he was glad that it was crowded, and no one had noticed him. Buck’s certainty calmed the nerves Eddie was feeling. 

“Well the way they treated you no one would have blamed you for taking the money, or at least transferring.” 

Man, Eddie thought another member of the one-sixty-seven he was going to kill. 

“Honestly, I didn’t think I had a choice in transferring.” Wait... Buck didn’t honestly consider transferring. 

“Well you know that every station around would take you.” Roger put his arm around Buck, and Eddie wanted to snap it in half. The rage he normally contained until the ring was surfacing up, but he really couldn’t afford to get in a bar fight. 

Eddie could see the look in Buck’s eye he was curious, and that’s when Buck noticed him. 

“Thanks guys, if you could excuse me.” Buck walked towards Eddie. 

“Hey Eddie.” Buck began but Eddie didn’t want to look at him. Not now, not when it was clear Buck was weighing his options professionally. Not when he didn't have his emotions under control. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to pull you away from your friends.” Eddie walked back towards the bar. 

“No it’s fine, they were just being nice. But I wanted to catch up with you.” Buck’s beaming smile just made Eddie angrier. 

“Well, I just came to say goodnight, I have to relieve Carla.” 

Normally Eddie would have asked Buck to come back with him, and Buck would show no sign of being sad about being pulled away from a lively bar, to take care of a kid. In fact, he’d look excited, and this warm sense of comfort would overtake Eddie. But not tonight, he just walked away from Buck, grabbed his jacket and left. 

As he exited the door, he looked back to clearly see the hurt in his best friend's eye, before he turned around and re-entered the crowd. 

Eddie sighed, no that was where Buck belonged, with people who could entertain him. 

*** 

Buck was really enjoying therapy; it was nice to have someone on his side. 

He understood he had had an unhealthy relationship with sex before, he had used to avoid a lot of things, intimacy and connection. That there were different types of vulnerability. It was important that he stayed aware of the difference between using sex to connect and using sex to hide. 

Though he still regretted the consequences of the lawsuit, Jacob had helped him realize he wasn’t the only one who was wrong. He had made the effort to see everything for the one-eighteen side, and really Eddie’s side, but they didn’t see it from his. 

Buck could still hear Jacob’s voice: _If you were so wrong why did you win? You aren’t the only one in that station that has made mistakes?_

It was nice to know other stations didn’t hate him. Being back at one of his old haunts was nice, Buck had worried that since he had gotten around and slept through a lot of the stations no one would want him besides the one-eighteen , and now well, it was nice to know he had options. 

Maybe if being around Eddie got too hard he would transfer. 

As for dating, he had been on a few, and he had to admit being out was nice. Buck loved everything about dating, the conversation, the excitement, getting to know someone, and of course the sex. Though he had yet to meet someone he felt like he could get serious about, it was nice to be back into the swing of things. 

But he still missed Eddie. 

***

The day started off as normal. They responded to a call, where a young girl's tree house was on fire. The little girl had taken a candle up there for a tea party, and sadly for her it ended with the tree house going up in flames. Luckily, it was a small fire. Buck didn’t have much to do so he hung around with the mom. She was cute. 

And really sad. 

“You can always build another one, the inside is burnt, but the tree is still fine.” Buck assured her, he was doing his best to keep her smiling, she looked close to tears. 

“It was just, her father built it for her.” Buck put his arm around her shoulder, she leaned in. 

“I am sorry.” She said, as a few more tears fell. 

“My name is Katie, by the way, sorry for crying into your jacket.” 

Buck smiled. “Not the first time, and not the last, don’t worry.” 

Katie shifted back and smiled. “He passed, two years ago, and now the tree house being gone, I just don't want Lucy to lose anything else. And of course, I am the worst at anything construction, so I have to find out how to fix this. And just sometimes it's hard you know.”

Buck nodded, letting her vent. He hadn’t even noticed that the team had finished up behind him. They were all waiting. 

“Sorry for just spilling this on you, clearly this isn’t your job.” 

Buck was a sucker for someone in need. 

“How about this, I am pretty handy, and I am sure I can free up a Sunday afternoon, I can help you fix your tree house.” Buck smiled, he wasn’t even angling for a date, he just didn’t like the thought of a kid without a tree house, Buck had always had a soft spot for kids. 

“You’d do that for a stranger?” 

“Well I always put out the fires, it would be nice to help fix the damage” Buck beamed, no idea that behind him Eddie was seething. 

“Umm. I should mention that I am seeing someone who is also not handy. If...um” Katie couldn’t believe that this hot firefighter was falling into her lap, and she couldn’t do anything about it. 

“No worries, I am still happy to help. Here I'll give you my number, if I text you the supplies, we can smash it out this Sunday.” 

Katie smiled and gave him his phone. “Looks like your team is waiting.” 

Buck turned and saw that everyone looked mad, he must be taking too long. “Right, thanks!” 

Buck went towards the truck and shouted back. “See you Sunday.” 

Buck got into the truck, and immediately saw Eddie frowning. 

It was impossible to know what to say to him anymore. A small smile, Buck thought that was his best course of action, Eddie didn’t even look at him. They rode to the station in silence. 

Buck wasn’t sure what the issue was, he literally did nothing on that call. 

As they removed their gear, the weird silence continued. 

Buck walked into the kitchen and started making a smoothie. 

_Bzzz_

**Hi, it’s Katie, thanks again for everything today. I really appreciate your offer.**

**Lucy is so excited, you're her hero.**

“What are you smiling at, lover boy?” Chim walked in with a smirk. 

“Oh, just Katie from the call, I am helping her rebuild the tree house on Sunday.” 

Buck responded to the text, not noticing Eddie walking in behind Chim, primed for a fight. 

**It’s not a big deal, see you Sunday :)**

“Seriously, angling with the kid to get a date Buck.” Buck couldn’t believe what he just heard. 

“What?” No way Eddie would ever think he’d resort to something so pathetic.

“Getting in close with the kid to sleep with the mom, just seems a little desperate.” Eddie did think that. 

Oh God, did he think he was doing that with Christopher. No. 

“Wait, you are going out on a date with the woman from the call?” Bobby asked. Buck could just see the concern in his face. Great, he thought Buck 1.0 was back. 

“I am not using the kid!” 

Eddie brushed past Buck and went to the fridge. “Right you just decided to give up your Sunday to build a tree house for a hot chick’s kid.” 

“Her husband passed, and she isn’t handy, I offered to help that's all!” Why was everyone making this into something it wasn’t. 

Hen and Chim looked at him, and he could see the worry as well. Did no one think he had changed? Had they not noticed? 

“You learned a lot about her huh.” Hen remarked.

Buck was angry now, why was he defending himself, all he had done was offer to help out a woman. He should just say it doesn’t matter. She has a boyfriend, but they’d all probably think he’d sleep with her regardless. 

“You know what let's make one thing clear, I don’t need to use a kid to get a woman into bed, if I want to get someone into bed, I don’t need to try that hard.” Buck couldn’t be here anymore. 

He walked out of the kitchen without waiting for a response. Fuck this. 

Damn it. 

He was still on shift. He went into the showers, he needed to cool off. 

No matter how hard he worked he would always be the kid who slept around, he would always be the lawsuit guy, the one no one trusted. If Buck was honest with himself, he didn’t care as much what everyone else thought of him, but Eddie, Eddie hadn’t even known him back in his playboy days and he thought he would stoop so low. 

The only reason he was talking to Katie at the call was because Bobby was so clearly still worried about Buck. Whenever there was a simple task, it went to Buck. Bobby had made it clear that he still thought Buck let his feelings get in the way of his work. First with Maddie and then with Eddie. Bobby didn’t have to say it, but he didn’t want to put Buck in a situation that he would sue. 

Maybe it was time for a change. 

***   
Eddie don’t know where that came from, but god he was so fucking angry. He was angry that Buck was flirting so easily with other people, that he was waving goodbye to him without even realizing it. He was mad. Mad that just when he had worked up the courage to say something to him, about how damn crazy he was about him, Buck had disappeared. 

The shift ended, and not once did Buck say anything to him. 

Normally, after a fight, Buck always came up to him and wanted to make it right. Always, but now, nothing, he didn’t speak to anyone. He was a professional, but he was cold. 

A few days later, Eddie clicked Buck’s Instagram, he knew this was the worst place to look. Buck had an impressive following, over 3300 followers, he knew it was higher before but the past year he had stopped using it as much. 

But he shared Katie’s post to his story: the woman whose tree house he went to fix. It had a smile emoji and no worries gif on top it. As it turns out, she was thanking the LAFD for helping rebuild her daughter’s tree house, and it was a picture of Buck posing with her daughter, and her, and clearly her boyfriend. 

Crap. He was so fucking stupid. 

The post was blowing up, he saw 5k likes already. But of course, Buck smiling beaming, wearing a t-shirt that was just too tight, his biceps gleaming with the sweat he had worked up doing a selfless good deed. 

Eddie felt like the biggest moron to ever exist. Buck had such a soft spot for kids, and parents, god look at his own life. Buck had saved him from drowning, helping him by connecting him to Carla, even before he really knew Eddie. Buck did so much, and he never even asked for a thank you. 

How do you text your best friend? Hey, sorry I was a jealous freak, please forgive me, let me spend my life adoring you, and not sound like a pathetic loser. 

Eddie walked into the firehouse early the next day, he was going to make things right. After his shift, he would go with a pack of beer and Buck would forgive him...he had too. Buck was always so open with his emotions, always first to say he was sorry, he owed it to Buck to be able to apologize the same way. Eddie had no idea how Buck was so in touch and comfortable with his emotions, the idea of telling anyone how he felt always made Eddie want to vomit. The only emotion he was comfortable with was anger. 

Chim and Hen were already sitting in the kitchen, deep in discussion. 

“What's going on guys?” 

“We were just talking about Buck.” Hen stated, she looked sad. 

“I heard him talking to Maddie, he is looking into a transfer.” Chim added, equally crestfallen. 

Eddie’s whole world stopped for a moment. No. He couldn't, he wouldn't leave them, he wouldn’t leave him. 

“You can’t have heard right.” 

Control the panic. Eddie you can’t freak out at work, this was all a mistake. 

“I did hear right.” Chim sighed, “I walked into the apartment, and heard Buck say he had been putting out feelers, and he was getting a ton of responses.” 

This was not happening. Buck couldn’t be that mad, he would have said something, he always said something. 

“And then he asked Maddie, if she would support him, and of course she said yes, cause she’s his sister, and then they saw me, and changed the subject, and Buck just left.” Eddie could see the hurt in Chim’s eyes, and the worry, if Maddie was forced to choose of course she’d choose Buck. 

“I know we fucked up, about the tree house lady, but he wouldn’t just leave without telling us.” Hen tried to reason. 

“Especially without telling us.” Eddie said allowed. Hoping that someone would confirm his theory. 

“Look I am telling you, Buck has other offers, and he is considering them.” Chim was adamant. 

“Okay so what do we do?” Eddie needed someone to help him hold onto the best man that walked into his life. Shit. He was seconds from panicking. 

“I don’t know Eds... if he wouldn’t stay for you. I don’t think any of us have a chance.” Hen looked at him with such pity. Like the secret agreement that they all had had somehow broken. Was he that obvious? 

How had Eddie let his life get this messed up again? 

*** 

Buck was scrolling through Instagram; he was so melancholy. A feeling he hated. Jacob agreed looking at other stations was a good idea. He was surprised by all of the offers, but the recent round of good press had helped. Katie’s post had blown up. Even the fire chief had emailed Buck to thank him for the great press. It was a good thing that the department was no longer angry at him, cause man he remembered meeting the Chief and the dirty looks he got because of the lawsuit. 

He had been getting DMs daily, back in the 1.0 days Instagram had been a great way to talk to people. Maybe he should use it more. 

He had his pick of stations. He was leaning to the one-sixty-seven cause it wouldn’t increase his commute that much. 

Buck got another DM, he saw the title, it was another firefighter. Some guy named TK. He had followed a lot of ‘out’ firefighters when he joined the force, they had followed a couple mutual accounts. But he had never actually talked to the guy, he had a boyfriend back then, if Buck remembered correctly. Clearly as Buck scrolled his profile the boyfriend was history. Nice. The guy was hot, but he looked like he was based in Austin. Maybe the guy was coming down for a vacation in LA and wanted a tour guide. 

Buck opened the DM, a job offer via Instagram was not what he was expecting, but shit. 

**Hey, I know this is random, but I am a firefighter in the one-two-six in Austin.**

Buck knew that house, everyone did. Tragedy like that rocked the community. 

**Recently, I was injured, and the Cap and I have been searching for a replacement. We have room to add one more person to our unit, I saw your post, and was wondering if you’d consider or were interested in a switch. You seem like a good fit.**

The new unit was making waves. Austin, that was Texas, that was a whole new state, a lot more than a change in stations, that was a life change. 

**If you are interested, we can have an official convo, not on insta.**

He had included his number. 

Buck called it immediately. 

“Hello, this is TK” 

“Hi, um this is Evan Buckley.” How did someone approach an Instagram job offer? 

“Oh, hey man, how are you?” TK had a nice phone voice. 

“I’m good, a little surprised, didn’t know DMing was a way to get job offers.” 

TK laughed; he had a nice laugh. 

“My dad’s a little unorthodox when it comes to recruitment practices, but to be honest, I was recently injured so I was scrolling insta and saw your post, looked into you and figured you were a good fit.” 

“Your dad?”

“Oh yah, my dad is my captain, which is why he is a little hesitant to find someone to cover for me, you know dads, so I figured I’d test the waters with some people.” 

Buck was touched that this random stranger thought he was good enough for his family. “Wow I am honored you reached out.” 

“I am just glad you responded, so we should talk properly, include my Dad, and we can tell you about the team, if you are interested you can come meet the team. And yah, sorry if that was a lot, I know this is totally random.” TK sounded a little nervous, which made Buck feel a lot better. 

“No no, I... it just so happens I was looking to make a change, and um...well I am happy to hear out any offer.” 

Buck spent the next hour talking with TK Strand, and then Owen Strand, they were both super nice. He loved the rebuilding of the one-two-six story. He googled the members and shit Owen was a straight up American hero, and TK had been shot in the line of duty. Everyone seemed great, Paul had found a gun on arsonist: cool. Shit, Marjan was hot, and clearly just as reckless as he was. Buck had to admit that the team looked like a great fit. It was nice to know TK was out of the closet and he helped point out to Buck that Austin was the most liberal city in Texas. 

Owen said that they did need someone soon, so if he was interested, he could come down that weekend and check it out. The man literally offered him a place to stay. Buck couldn’t think of a reason to say no. If he liked the rest of the team, they would make the transfer request official, and send the paperwork to his team. 

The only thing that Buck really had to stay for was Christopher, he had promised him that he would never leave him. Maddie would visit and vice versa, they promised each other after the hostage situation that they would never let anything get in between them again. 

She had promised Buck she needed him in her life, and he needed her. 

Buck thought about it as he surfed Austin real estate listings. There was Skype and video calls, and he would visit Maddie all of the time. He wouldn’t abandon Christopher, but he also couldn’t be around Eddie. And he had to stop kidding himself, he wasn’t a parent to Christopher, and it hurt. Christopher might call him ‘his buck’ but Buck had no claim to Christopher. 

Texts, visits, and the promise to always be in his life, and somehow he had to learn to live with his guilt. 

LA was getting suffocating. A fresh start sounded too good to be true. Somewhere where he wasn’t the fuckboy, or the lawsuit guy, but just Buck. A chance to restart. 

There were some really nice places in Austin. He could pull off a cowboy hat if push came to shove. 

He and TK continued to text, he was a fun dude. Not single as it turns out, but trying to figure out a love life just as complicated as Buck’s, but Buck had to admit TK had one advantage; his hot cop was interested in him.

Thanks to Buck’s googling he found out that TK had been in the New York firefighters calendar, that was like the most coveted of the firefighter calendars. 

TK brushed it off, but Buck made it his contact picture, luckily he was already invited into the one-two-six’s group chat. Buck was surprised they hadn’t already known. Apparently, it was going to be plastered all over the one-two-six thanks to him, Buck felt like he was already part of the team. 

He could get used to this. 

*** 

The next day Buck walked into the one-eighteen, he had already filed a request for two days off, so that he could explore Austin, he was going to tell the entire team together about the job offers. Buck was secretly hoping that they would all demand he stayed...he was hoping that Eddie would ask him to stay. 

When he walked in he was the first one there, he went into the kitchen. He put his phone down on the table and went to make coffee. God he was nervous. 

Eddie was the first in. He walked in and sat down; he didn’t even say hi. Okay so this was going to be harder than he thought. 

“Hey Eddie, want some coffee?” Buck wished he didn’t sound so damn pathetic.   
Eddie shrugged “sure.” 

_Bzzzz_

TK Strand 

**Another reason to come to Austin**

**Best Hot Wings Guide Austin**

Eddie saw the messages pop up, and he fucking saw green. There was some shirtless firefighter as the icon, and Austin. _No._ Transferring to another station was bad... but Eddie could work with that. But fucking leaving the state. 

“Texas?!” Eddie nearly screamed. 

“Shit. I wanted to talk to you about that!” Buck couldn’t believe that this was happening, not how he had imagined doing this. 

“You said you’d never leave!” Eddie exclaimed, fuck he hurt. _No_ , he swore he’d never feel like this again. He could feel the rage begging to take over, yah he preferred that. He wanted to fucking throw Bucks phone into a wall and break this fucking TK Strands neck. 

“I am not... I just got a job offer.” Buck exclaimed. 

“Right, and you weren’t looking to leave the one-eighteen, Chim overheard you. I fucking should have never trusted you.” Eddie didn’t even notice, Chim and Hen walked in. 

“That’s not fair!” Buck exclaimed. “I haven’t made any decisions, but I deserve to know what my options are, and it’s not my fault that other teams actually want me.” 

“We want you to Buck!” Chim exclaimed. 

“That’s not fair Buck, we have always treated you like family” Hen joined in. 

“Yah and don’t worry my family made me feel like shit too!” Buck exclaimed. Why was everyone yelling? This was supposed to be civilized. 

Eddie barely registered that was the first honest thing Buck had ever said about his family, he and Maddie never spoke about them, 

“And the return of self-centred Buck, that lasted all of two months.” Eddie hit the chair. He had to hit something before the frustration boiled over. 

“That’s not fair!” 

“Stop saying _that’s not fair_. I am sick as shit of hearing you say _that’s not fair_!” Eddie couldn’t even look at Buck. “GO. Just stop playing with peoples fucking emotions, and go Buck, we will be just fucking fine without you!” 

With that, Eddie stormed off. 

Buck felt like Eddie had punched him, 

“You know, I did everything I could see things from your side, I apologized, but you guys never thought about how I felt. I honestly I am tired, tired of trying so hard for people that don’t seem to notice. I am going to Austin, I am putting in for a transfer.” Buck felt like crying, but he had something to say to Eddie first. 

Buck passed a stunned Chim and Hen, he saw Bobby first. 

“What happened to Eddie, he just stormed off?” Bobby was clearly worried. 

“He lost his temper again, shocking.” Buck fumed. “Anyways, I am putting in for a transfer, I accepted an offer from Austin FD, the paperwork should come in tomorrow.” 

Bobby looked stunned. “Wait what” 

“I said I am leaving, ask Chim and Hen about the details, I have to have words with Eddie.” Buck tried to brush past Bobby, but he grabbed his arm. 

“Now wait just a minute here Buck.” Bobby stuttered. “What are you saying?” 

“I am saying I am sick of this shit. I am sick of every time I so much as talk to a woman, that you all seem to think I am trying to sleep with her. I never pressured anyone into sex. I never so much as lied to anyone to get sex, and since you haven’t noticed I’ve changed. I might have made some rash choices, but so has everyone here, including you, everyone gets a clean state, but I can’t take this anymore.” Buck couldn’t believe how frustrated he sounded. “I am done!” 

And with that he walked away. 

He saw Eddie outside; he was breathing deeply. 

“Hey!” Buck shouted. “I am talking to you!” 

“What now huh?” Eddie asked. “What the hell do you want?” 

“I didn’t deserve that.” Buck stopped in his tracks, like always every time he saw Eddie his anger evaporated. He looked so sad; Buck wished he believed that he cared. 

“Before you start shouting, you for once could try and see it from my side, I have tried so damn hard to be someone to you, and I can’t I can’t anymore.” Buck hated how heartbroken he sounded, even to himself. “I tried so hard to be okay with being friends, of this half place in your life, but god... it hurt. I am tired Eddie, and you fucking don’t even notice when I am drowning. I just can’t be here anymore, but I am not abandoning anyone, Christopher will always be in my life, I would never just leave.” 

“What do you mean?” Eddie couldn’t quite believe his ears. 

“Just what I said, you call me self-centered, but damn Eddie you never see anything beyond what you need. You need me to stay, you need me to help you, but you never seem to see how much I need.” Buck started backing away. “I can’t do this anymore.” 

“You are breaking up with me, and we haven’t even dated?” Eddie wanted to laugh at how ridiculous this was. 

“You know what it's bad enough that you didn’t even care that I was in love with you, but to make fun of my feelings right now, is not... it’s not cool.” Fuck Buck felt stupid. 

“Whoa!” Eddie exclaimed, he looked so panicked. “Don’t leave Buck, please don’t leave. I didn’t think... I didn’t realize you... if I had known…”

“Oh please Eddie, you knew.”

“I didn’t!” 

“Yes, you did. I flirted and I know when someone is attracted. I am not blind.” Buck couldn’t believe that Eddie would sink so low as to manipulate him like this. He wasn’t good enough before, but now what… suddenly Eddie wanted something, he couldn’t even string together a sentence. 

“Of course, I was attracted to you Buck, look at you, but of course it was more for me.” Eddie stepped closer and flinched when he saw how quick Buck stepped back. As if the very thought of Eddie being near him physically hurt him. 

“For real Eddie, how pathetic do you think I am?” How could Eddie have messed this up so much? 

“I don’t think you are pathetic! Buck I could never think that!” 

“You think I would use a kid to sleep with his mom. You think I would just leave without telling you. You never once made a single move in the months I flirted with you... all the while, making me think I had a shot. But then I realized... how you kept saying you wanted someone serious, clearly I was good enough to flirt with, but not enough to date. But now I am done.” Buck walked away further. 

Eddie’s head was spinning, he had to figure out how to explain to Buck that he had been a coward, not that he didn’t love him. Shit…

“Wait Buck, just wait a damn minute!” 

“No, I am done, I am taking that job in Austin, and getting a fresh start.” Buck turned and left the one-eighteen in his shadow. 

Originally, he was going to take a week to pack up his things, but as it turned out he was efficient in packing. He emailed Owen and got confirmation that his transfer was in the works, that gave him a week off to get his things together but he was ready in a day. 

Eddie kept calling. 

He kept texting too, but Buck had texted him back saying if he really cared that he wouldn’t come over, that he didn’t want to see him. 

So far Eddie was listening. Buck sighed to himself, if Eddie had really cared about him, he would have shown up regardless. Buck would have. He would have fought tooth and nail for Eddie to not leave him. 

But here he was alone in a basically empty apartment. 

Maddie and Chris were the only people Buck really felt like he needed to say goodbye too. 

Buck knew Eddie’s schedule; he wasn’t at the station, no one on the team was, Buck knew Bobby would be, he owed him a goodbye too. 

And a thank you. Despite his anger, Bobby had done a lot for him, so had the one-eighteen, one thing he knew about family was sometimes leaving made things better. You could still love someone and not be with them always. 

So, Buck decided he was going to do a goodbye tour, say his piece with everyone that mattered, and tomorrow he would be off, a new chapter. This was going to be okay. 

_Bzzz_

Eddie Diaz: 

**I love you; you have to believe that I love you.**

Buck couldn’t stop the tears. 

Eddie might love him, but he was a second choice, he only wanted him now that he was leaving, and Buck couldn’t, he had his heartbroken once before, and he wasn’t going to let himself fall even more in love with a man who didn’t love him the same. 

***   
Saying goodbye was harder than Buck anticipated, he was never good at holding onto his anger. 

Bobby and Athena didn’t make it hard. He thanked Bobby for actually motivating him to be better, for seeing that he had potential, and promised him he would continue to work to be better. 

They both wished him well and promised him the door was always open for him. 

Chim just promised to look out for Maddie, and that they were good. 

Hen was surprisingly emotional. She made him promise to take care of himself and to do everything he could to be safe, otherwise she’d kill him herself. 

Buck knew it was cowardly to sneak off to see Christopher while he was with Carla but self-preservation. If he saw Eddie he’d cave. Hugging Chris was so hard, Buck couldn’t hold back the tears. Christopher looked so sad that he was moving. God he was the worst. 

The promise of video calls, and presents and visits, helped. That kid was too mature, he was sad but he didn’t want to look sad. 

When he had asked if it was like the trips that Daddy used to take, Buck literally wanted the earth to swallow him whole, that kid had been left behind so many times and he deserved more. Buck just wished that he was strong enough to be able to give it to him. 

But he couldn’t. He could risk his heart for someone he wasn’t sure about. He had been devastated once in his life already, and he wasn’t about to go for round two. 

And that was that. 

LA wasn’t his home anymore. 

Buck moved. 

*** 

Eddie couldn’t believe how sad his son looked, he had to watch him pretend he wasn’t sad. But knowing he wasn’t even mad at Buck made it worse. After all, how could he be, he got used to people leaving, and it was his own damn fault. Buck had said he was taking a trip, and that was the same thing he used to tell him. 

What the hell was Eddie supposed to do? Of course now looking back he realized how monumentally he fucked up. Sure, he had noticed the signals. And yes, he should have been brave enough to act on them.... but why the hell was Buck so insecure, how could he just assume that it was him? Didn’t he know he was amazing? 

There was that nagging voice in his head that told him Buck expected to be blamed, and maybe you didn't give him what he needed and that voice buried Eddie in guilt. 

But Buck was gone.

Except he wasn’t. 

The station reminded him of Buck, his house was just as much Buck’s as it was his. Literally every part of his life had a Buck shaped hole. Of course stalking his social media didn’t help. Buck looked so happy, the team in Austin looked like a good fit. And then of course he called Christopher all of the time. He kept his promise he wasn’t abandoning anyone. He had just left him. 

Eddie had to accept that none of his calls were answered and Buck had never replied to his texts. 

Two weeks had gone by, when Buck finally did respond. 

**I just wanted you to know, I miss you.**

That simple message, that Olive Branch took Eddie’s breath away. 

Fuck it. 

Eddie didn’t want to text or take half steps. 

It was July, he could easily enroll Christopher in a new school. Austin was closer to his parents, which was good, and god, he would give Christopher the family he deserved. 

He had to find an opening in the Austin FD, anything. 

Eddie called Bobby, to see if he had any leads. As it turns out, one of the fire captains got struck by lightning, wild as shit. They had internally promoted, and they had lost their replacement. They needed another person. Sounded perfect. Eddie just prayed to god he got the job. 

He spent hours, looking up schools, day-cares, special instructors, and then he realized shit, he had to reply to Buck. 

What the hell should he say? 

No text seemed enough. 

**I promise you Buck, very soon you will have no doubts about how I feel about you.**

_Bzzz_

**Eddie please, don’t make promises.**

**Let’s be friends again.**

Eddie wasn’t giving up that easy. 

**You’re right, I am stubborn, and this is something you can’t stop.**

**I am coming to fight for you Evan Buckley.**

_Bzzz_

**Eddie I have commitments, I can’t leave Austin now.**

Idiot, did he really think Eddie would just assume that Buck would come running back, he had to learn he was the prize. 

**I know.**

_Bzzzz_

**What does that mean?**

Grand gesture time. 

**You will see. Just wait a little bit longer Buck.**

Eddie didn’t want to make false promises. He had no idea if he’d get that job. If he didn’t hell he could move in with his parents while he sorted things out. No wait: you have a kid, you aren’t a guy without your own responsibilities. You have to have a job. Panic was setting in. Buck hadn’t responded. Shit maybe he should just say I am moving, and then figure out the details later. Was that fair to anyone? 

_Bzzzz_   
  
**I can wait a little bit longer.**

**But don’t make me wait forever Eddie.**

Yes! Buck hadn’t completely written him off. 

**I won't, I promise.**

**The next time I say I love you, you will believe me.**

Moving was a bitch, Eddie hated it. Getting movers was a whole thing, when technically he hadn’t rented a place. Eddie found a possible apartment and asked to have it held for a couple days. Eddie didn’t want to sign a lease unless he had too. So of course, there was no actual address to send his stuff too. He had to ask the company to wait to deliver it until he knew where he was living. But, Christopher was ecstatic, he hadn’t realized how much Chris had missed his grandparents. He was also so excited to join Buck on his ‘trip’. Eddie knew he was making the right choice.

He was going to give his son a family, and this time he was going to fight like hell to keep it. 

The moment of truth had arrived. He was in Texas. His parents were over the moon. The one-eighteen was sad, but they all said they saw it coming after Buck had left. 

Eddie dropped Christopher off with his parents before arriving in Austin. If this didn’t go according to plan, he did not want to subject his son to his dad drinking in a bar until he passed out in a motel room. After all, maybe Buck had changed his mind, or realized he was better off, or or or or. 

Before he knew it, he was in front of Buck’s house. Buck had bought a cute two-bedroom house, the man had put down roots. 

Okay he could do this. Just ring the bell. 

It wasn’t that hard. 

Eddie suddenly missed his long hair, it was easier to run his hands though that, now he was just fidgeting. Damn, his shirt was wrinkled, okay just brush it down. 

Should he have brought something? Housewarming present of course! There had to be a store nearby, he should just go and get something. 

Then he would come back. 

Eddie turned around, and then he turned back, no he could do this. Scotch would help. 

Yes, a bottle of scotch and then he would come back, Eddie turned around again. Just get the scotch and then it would be fine. 

Eddie’s heart jumped as he heard the door open. 

“Eddie!” That voice, god how he missed it. 

Deep breath. Just turn around. 

“Hi Buck” God he looked good, somehow he looked even better. He was beautiful. 

“What...what are you doing here?” Oh, how he missed that puppy dog expression, his eyebrows crinkled around that adorable birthmark. 

“Um…” Buck was waiting. “Wanna come in?” 

Yes, walking in that was a good idea. Okay you’ve practiced this. You can do this. Just tell him. 

“Are you going to say something?” Buck looked so vulnerable. Shit okay open mouth. 

“I just…” Eddie inhaled. 

“You are freaking me out.” Buck looked so worried. 

“I love you.” Eddie didn’t mean to blurt it out. Not after the disastrous way he had done the last time. 

Buck looked disappointed. Not the reaction he was hoping for. 

“Wait before you say anything, let me just get this out.” Eddie had his arms raised he didn’t want to hear Buck reason this away. “I am not as good as you with feelings, but I have to say this.” 

Buck was looking at him calmly. 

“Well?” 

Oh, shit he had to say something. 

“This would have been easier with the scotch I should have bought.” No laugh. Okay, time to be honest. 

“Look I was afraid too. Afraid that you’d realize that you had way better options. I was angry and depressed and licking my wounds.” Eddie suddenly hated that Buck was taller than him because now he had to look into his eyes, he couldn’t just look over him. 

“Shannon wanted a divorce, and even though I stopped loving her a long time ago, that rejection hurt. I did everything I could to make her happy and I wasn’t enough, and she just reminded me of how terrible I was in relationships. And by the time she had come back, I was already falling for you. And that scared me. I don’t exactly have any real experience with guys.” Great. Tell Buck that, sound more like a reject. You are trying to convince him to date you. “It’s not like I didn’t know I was interested, the opportunity just never presented itself, and then I just realized it was just another thing I didn’t have to offer.” 

“I wasn’t looking…” Buck began. 

“No, I am supposed to finish first.” Deep breath. “You were right I was trying to flirt back, but I was afraid, you could literally have whoever you wanted. You are kind. Kind... isn’t even a big enough word. You have the best heart of anyone I know, and since you are so kind with everyone, I was worried I wasn’t that special... after all, why would I be.” Eddie could already see that Buck wanted to disagree. “The fact you want to defend me right now, even though I was an ass to you, just proves my point.” 

Buck was starting to smile a little. Okay keep going. 

“I was scared. I was scared that you would realize that I was boring, or too messed up, or that you would realize I wasn’t worth it. I was never afraid that you weren’t good enough. I am so fucking sorry that you ever thought that.” 

Buck took a step forward. One more deep breath, Eddie closed his eyes, and blurted the rest out: “And don’t apologize anymore. I had my head up my ass but I don’t anymore, I just took a job in Austin, because you are worth the big grand gesture. You are worth everything to me. So that’s my pitch: me, Christopher, a new city, new chance?” 

Before Eddie even realized it, Buck was kissing him. Holy shit, he was being kissed. Okay, participate. 

All of the anger and frustration and fear just melted away. 

“Did you seriously move to Austin?” Buck couldn’t believe his ears, he was worried this was a dream. 

“I did, though I still haven’t bought a place. I was... um” Eddie focus, but god touching Buck, being able to feel him was distracting. Why hadn’t he done this before? 

“Move in with me.” Buck laughed. “If you moved to another city just to be with me, move in with me.” 

Eddie couldn’t help but grin. “Well there were other reasons, like the hot wings and the…” Buck was kissing him again, and yah busting his balls was not worth it at all, he just never wanted Buck to stop what he was doing. 

“You won’t regret this.” Buck vowed. 

“I know I won’t.” Eddie smiled into Bucks neck, and just held him for a moment. “I know because you will have my back, always.” 

“Where’s Christopher?” Buck asked. He had missed that kid like nothing else. 

“With his grandparents for the night. But I am sure tomorrow we could all explore the city together. By the way, my parents are dying to meet the man that convinced me to come back to Texas.” Eddie chuckled. Hell, he moved to another city, and decided to move in with Buck. Meeting the parents was the logical next step. 

“So you're saying you don’t have to be anywhere all night.” Eddie wanted to remain cool, but holy shit, Buck looked at him in a way that his skin tingled. 

“Nowhere, but here.” 

“Well then... let me show you to our bedroom.” 

Our bedroom. 

“Sounds perfect.” 

And it was. 

_Fin_. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!!! Thanks for reading.
> 
> > The only way I could think of making the fact that they haven't hooked up logical was one of them was insecure, cause literally they flirt so badly on the show  
> > But also that show is full of miscommunications  
> > I also just think that TK Strand is defo in the NYFD Calandar it just seems on brand  
> > I also think Eddie cutting his hair was a travesty  
> > If you want to talk you can always hit me up at brucewaynse on tumblr <3


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